New York Yankees
People are upholding the fantasy that this team is still relevant without Derek Jeter and because I don’t want to be haunted by Steinbrenner’s fragile ego, I’ll play along. However, the fact of the matter is the most interesting thing the Yankees have done this offseason is acquire a player named German and another player named Germen who is completely not the same person as the aforementioned German. Masahiro Tanaka, probably the only remaining interesting player the Yankees still possess (jk AROD), rested his arm after receiving the news that he had a partially torn ulnar collateral ligament. Unfortunately for all of us, he opted out of Tommy John surgery which means about a third of the way through the 2015 season his arm will shred like it was put through a cheese grater and we will all be very sad. Bright side, the Yankees stole Sir Mariekson Julius Gregorius, commonly called “Didi,” from the Diamondbacks hoping to publicly assuage all of us lost Jeterless fans that it’s possible to fill the vast chasm at shortstop and pick up the broken pieces of our lives. #RE2PECT
Tampa Bay Rays
Ah, Tampa Bay. What can you really even say about Tampa Bay? As if losing Joe Maddon to the Cubs wasn’t enough, the Rays also traded what we all assumed, given what they gave up to get him, would be the next Evan Longoria, the next face of the franchise player. Having won Rookie of the Year in 2013, Myers hit a sophomore slump in 2014, compounded by a stress fracture in his wrist following an outfield collision. He has since been shipped to the Padres, and may be shopped again because every team should have the opportunity to lose the Wil Myers trade! Coupled with losing David Price this past season, and the unwillingness of the St. Petersburg City Council to abandon the failed 6th grade science experiment that is Tropicana Field, the Rays will have one of those spectacularly atrocious seasons MLB has taken to calling a “rebuilding process.” At least we still have Ben Zobrist, right? Wrong! He’s gone too. Evan Longoria is all that’s left and he will not sign your baseball.
The blond one is Evan Longoria and as you can see, he is not signing my baseball.
Boston Red Sox
The Red Sox are similarly familiar with the “first to worst” philosophy. Barely making an attempt to be competitive last year, the Sox focused on flipping prospects and trading off every last one of their starting pitchers. Beginning to understand that Boston cannot live on Ortiz alone, the powers that be finally began acquiring pitchers. Rick Porcello, Justin Masterson, and Wade Miley added to the remaining Joe Kelly and Clay Buchholz forms a five-man that is wicked smart (compared to the scarecrows stuffed full of money they were using last year). After bringing up prospect after prospect, the Sox had depth galore but very little range. Hoping to protect themselves from a third baseman who falls down and becomes a human base path roadblock, the Sox acquired Pablo Sandoval from the Giants. Now the Sox have a third baseman who falls on top of people before they can trip over him. Additionally, they can choose between the shortstop who injures himself by just looking at a baseball (Hanley Ramirez) or the young one (Xander Bogaerts).
Toronto Blue Jays
If you’re a Blue Jays fan, first of all I’m sorry and second, your team is only around so that we can call it the “World Series” and it’s not a total lie. Anyway, Brett Lawrie no longer plays for your team and if you are a true fan, you probably reacted just like this little girl did. The bright side of the trade is you got Josh Donaldson, who you may recall missed stopping Salvador Perez’s short one hop by centimeters, thus losing the AL Wild Card for the Athletics. Even brighter side, he is about half the third baseman Brett Lawrie is and will be getting progressively worse now because he’s 29. If that got you down, don’t worry! The Jays also received plenty of nameless prospects in that trade and R.A. Dickey still plays for you! Although as I’m sure you know by now, Dickey is 40 years old and throws one pitch that you can absolutely learn how to crush if you just work at it. (He was a better story when he played for the Mets and we all know it).
Those are Brett Lawrie’s real actual arms.
Baltimore Orioles
The Baltimore Orioles have been rather boring this offseason. The most interesting thing so far is re-signing Delmon Young, who is not only bad, he’s also an anti-Semite. They also avoided arbitration with Tommy Hunter. Both are 1 year deals, which is baseball’s way out copping out and being super boring. Matt Wieters, who was their primary catcher, is recovering from Tommy John surgery but he’s not a pitcher so that’s also boring. Chris Davis was suspended 25 games for testing positive for amphetamines but that was last year so that’s boring too. The Orioles rejected Nelson Cruz’s qualifying offer and he’s a free agent now, boring on boring. Fortunately, there is still Manny Machado, who is guaranteed to freak out if anyone comes within 30 feet of either one of his knees. The offseason is still fairly young, so if I had to guess, I’d say they would be looking at adding some corner outfielders and pitchers who are not Ubaldo Jimenez. This is a 90+ win team who made it to the ALCS last year so that’s the main reason why they’re so boring.
Vlad4MVP 